Relationship givers and takers

Unbalanced relationships are more common than you think… Are you in a ‘giver/taker’ love situation?

By Dr Jeff Bailey

Think about your relationship. Is it healthy, nourishing and satisfying? If it is, congratulations. A relationship is an entity that requires commitment and effort. In my last article, I characterised a romantic relationship using these words: connectedness, attraction, selection, mutuality, closeness, intimacy, sharing, enhanced communication, rules, fidelity, loyalty, a commitment and a sense of continuity.

In this article, I suggest that too often we have an unbalanced relationship. It’s a bit like the popular notion that there are always unequal amounts of love and commitment in a relationship. For one person, the love is deep and powerful and there is greater commitment than for the romantic partner. I guess this is true for many relationships but not necessarily all. A relationship brings two people together with different personalities, histories, developmental experiences, upbringing, values and codes of conduct. I sometimes marvel that relationships DO survive when we have so many variables that have to be entered into the relationship equation.

But today I am going to talk about the polarised relationship, where one person can be seen to be the ‘Giver’ and the other the ‘Taker’. Let’s imagine my hypothetical couple. One is generous, thoughtful, willing to compromise, accepts the choices and prerogatives of the partner, submits to the needs of the partner, gives in more readily, accepts more responsibility and so on. You know – a doormat to their partner.

On the other hand, we have the Takers. These individuals have always been determined to get their own way, see life as a constant challenge to have others meet their needs, are self-focused (a more polite expression than self-centered), give affection and material goods to their partners under pressure and not generously or with good will and constantly rationalise their choices and selfish style by pointing out everything they do in the relationship.

And yes I am fully aware that my approach is stereotypical  and that I am painting a dramatic picture. People do move in and out of these roles. But for the moment – go with me. What do you think of the likelihood of the survival of this partnership with these extreme examples of Giver and Taker? Let’s not get too clinical here – although I readily admit that there are some people who have a personality disorder that would accommodate these different personal styles. Imagine the dependent personality type, the devoted personality type, the narcissistic personality type or the dominant personality type. There are certainly, in clinical groups, extreme expressions of these disorders but who I’m talking about here is the ‘normal’ or ‘average’ person, not one with a clinical history.

The Scenario:

• Givers surrender their lives to the needs and drives of the Taker.
• Takers rationalize their behavior because of their material contribution to the partnership.
• Takers make the Givers feel guilty for even questioning the relationship.
• Givers accommodate to the dominant Takers and accept the rationale.

But how long can one keep giving and getting nothing in return? I find that neither party can remember when this lifestyle started and often both parties do not know how to re-negotiate a different life style.

If the relationship continues and if enough compromises are made by the Giver, the couple can live reasonably satisfying but ‘parallel’ lives. There is love and respect, there are children and family and there is community standing. All of the external signs of a ‘good’ marriage are there but there is no intertwining of two souls, spirits, hearts or bodies.

In these cases, there can be an under-current of discontent. Stress increases in the relationship. Sex life, communication and values are effected. Intimacy becomes a dream. Withdrawal becomes the norm. There is not necessarily any animosity, hard feelings, or conflict. There is just little of what the marriage could have been. After all – isn’t your marriage partner your best friend, lover, companion, travel mate, and reason for being?

I know this article sounds bleak but for the Giver who has to keep giving and gets little in return, the mutuality, intimacy, and joy of the relationship is denied. Emotional stress increases and the Giver spends a lot of time trying to fix and rebuild the relationship. It is often the case that the ‘victim’ of the other partner’s selfishness finally ends the relationship. The relationship stress is too much, the unfulfilled dreams become the catalyst for one ending the relationship. A 2001 article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology says that the first two years of marriage are critical. If one or both parties become disillusioned, that is, feel there is little affection or intimacy, believe that the spouse is not responsive, and one or both feel ambivalent about the relationship – the marriage will probably fail.

So the obvious lesson is this – become self-aware, understand your own personal style and personality, consider how generous and giving you are, decide how much you want to be the doormat and the victim, be clear on what you expect in a relationship, don’t be afraid to present your case, work cooperatively on your relationship, and spend the bulk of your time being joyful, happy and fulfilled.

About the author: Dr Jeff, a psychologist, writes about workplace stress, personal stress, interpersonal stress, and how to manage stress. In his informative book ‘Stress Management by Dr Jeff’, http://www.drjeffbailey.com, he teaches stress management training. His background as a psychotherapist and his experience helping his patients manage and reduce their stress ensure that his book is knowledgeable and effective.

Article Source: EzineArticles.com

For some further relationship advice to assist you if you’re in a similar situation, you might also like to check out:
Don’t be a doormat in your relationship
The power of appreciation
Signs of a dysfunctional relationship
8 types of toxic relationships
When criticism becomes abuse (watch video)

Do you believe the ‘giver’ and ‘taker’ relationship scenario is a common one? We’d love to hear your thoughts and you can leave a comment below… No need to be a member – just post away!