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My boyfriend flirts with girls online… Is it a form of cheating?

Hi Charmaine,

I’ve got a question for you.. The other day I caught my boyfriend (who I live with) talking to people in online chat rooms.. and it was obvious he was flirting with a couple of girls on there. Some of the stuff they were discussing was pretty private and involved sex.. I was sooooo upset! He says I’m over reacting and that it’s totally harmless but I’m finding it really hard to get over and I feel almost like he’s cheating on me.

Am I overreacting? Is he cheating on me? What should I do? I love him but I sort of feel that he might be trying to find another girlfriend online. And it’s really eating me up.

Charmaine Says:

Do you trust this man or not? If you truly do, you wouldn’t think he’s trying to find another girl. I don’t personally think meeting in chatrooms, social networking and emailing online friends is really cheating as such but obviously it depends on how far participants are going. If it’s just flirting and sharing personal confidences and stories, it’s probably harmless. If the exchanges are very intimate then they might be inappropriate. There also can be no question of taking the interactions beyond cyberspace. Lay down some ground rules but don’t nag or pressure.

My concern is more to do with your reaction. I certainly understand your shock but if it’s made you feel very insecure, you need to examine your own emotions. No-one else is ever responsible for the way you feel. For guys, this type of computer behaviour can be just recreation. Tease him about it. Keep it as light as you can but watch for the progress of your guy’s online activity, for example, the amount of time he spends online. If it starts to accelerate, put your foot down.

About the author: Dr Charmaine Saunders is a therapist with specific and extensive experience in the area of personal development, relationships, wellness, sexuality, positive aspect to life. She’s a published author, does a regular segment on 6PR and is used by many leading publications including Cosmo, Marie-Claire and New Woman. You can visit her website at www.charmainesaunders.com.

If you want to ask Dr Charmaine anything just send in your questions to questions@naomishow.com and put Ask Charmaine in the subject line of the email. Dr Charmaine will answer your question as soon as she can – but please be patient, and she has a number of questions to get through. Alternatively, you can post a comment below – no need to become a member – just post away.


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April 21, 2010 by adavenport  

8 Comments

Comments

  1. lapetite says:
    September 2, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    “My concern is more to do with your reaction. I certainly understand your shock but if it’s made you feel very insecure, you need to examine your own emotions. No-one else is ever responsible for the way you feel. For guys, this type of computer behaviour can be just recreation. Tease him about it. Keep it as light as you can..”

    How ridiculous is this observation!! I would be very worried if I had to be counselled by this relationship ‘expert’. Are we back to the Middle Ages?

  2. Bea says:
    June 1, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    I completely understand her outrage. I recently stumbled upon my boyfriends highly inappropriate and explicit conversation with a complete stranger on a dating website. I was outraged at what they were talking about. I feel like I can’t ever trust him again. I don’t think I’m overreacting because if it was me saying and doing this, he would be just as hurt and suspicious. How can there be love without trust?

  3. Robert Douglas says:
    April 29, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    I think flirting online with women and talking about sex can be regarded as a form of cheating and particularly if the women are in the immediate vicinity. If they are in Hungary or some far off place then the potential for anything to happen is of course very low. While the guy may not be serious, the women he is talking to can be and that adds to the mix, do women divorce their husbands over this? – yes they do. Girls try coping with a husband who says he cant come out to dinner yet because he is talking to one of his seven girlfriends online.

  4. Lynda says:
    April 23, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    I totally disagree with Charmaine. Ask yourself one question: would your boyfriend go up to a bunch of complete strangers at a party, for instance, and start talking intimately with them about sex? I think not, or if he did, he would be out of my life pronto! Perhaps there is something drastically wrong with the relationship and it’s time to start looking at it afresh and maybe making some changes. The very fact that he’s been doing this behind your back and not discussing with you what he’s been up to shows he is not necessarily comfortable with you knowing or maybe he’s not too proud of himself for doing it. Whatever his reasoning for doing it shows to me a lack of “something” in your current relationship or at least in him, something that he believes you are not fulfilling and hence he’s gone looking elsewhere. This is not good in a so-called committed relationship. I have no beef with anyone in chat rooms in general, but it’s the type of chat rooms that he’s visiting or the type of conversations he’s having in them that I do have a problem with. If he was into a motor vehicle chat room or a fishing chat room or whatever other hobby he might have, I wouldn not see a problem except if he was doing it 24/7. But this chat room is something quite different and you have good reason to be upset, in my opinion.

  5. Amy says:
    April 22, 2010 at 3:55 am

    I can really relate to this. My boyfriend flirts with girls online all the time… Thanks for sharing. (:

  6. admin says:
    April 21, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Okay guys what do you think of Jodie’s question? We’d love to hear your thoughts.

  7. Jodie says:
    April 21, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Hi Naomi,

    I’d love you to sit with your panel of blokes (or have an article written) and ask them why when women flirt it equals sex to a man.

    I find it tricky to flirt with my husband because he always thinks it means I want sex. Also he dislikes me flirting if I don’t mean “lets have sex”.

    I’d love to hear what the fellas have to say about this.

    I’m sure there is a win / win situation out there.

    Thank you and regards,
    Jodie

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  1. Rachael says:
    April 21, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    I totally disagree with Charmaine – online flirting is flirting, especially if he’s not upfront about it.. And if he’s talking about sex with complete strangers what kind of a guy is he???? I would feel really uncomfortable about it – so I completely understand that you’re upset. R



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