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The Early Stages of Motherhood
By Constance Hall
Last Tuesday, I woke up in the middle of the night and stripped off cos I was hot. Then at 6.45am my baby woke up wanting to be fed, I wiggled my arse out of bed (with a few really attractive grunts), picked her up and noticed she was wet. I changed her nappy and took off her jumpsuit, took her to the couch and started to breastfeed her. While doing this I heard the sound of a tiny little explosion coming from her new nappy. Not about to interrupt her feed, I left it there for a few more moments before getting up (still naked) to change her nappy.
That’s when I noticed it…….. She had done one whopper of a turd, it had leaked out of her nappy and embedded itself in my pubic hair. While other ladies my age don’t even have pubes mine were covered in yellow baby poo. Did I care? Nup. I picked her up, changed her nappy and popped her on her play mat.
Meanwhile my boyfriend Billy was getting ready for work. I offered to make him some coffee. But he just stood there, stared at what used to resemble a fanny, shook his head and walked out the door.
That’s when I started to think to myself…. What happened to Constance? The outspoken Constance, the loud, lovable and sassy Constance? (everyone has a vision of themselves whether it’s correct or not) the constantly drunk and opinionated Constance? (Now you’re all thinking, who cares what happened to Constance?)
Well on this particular Tuesday, I did.
I mean when did I stop wearing a bra? It’s not like my boobs became less saggy once I had the baby, in fact now they making this amazing slap noise when they hit against my chest/tummy when I walk. I don’t even want to get into the dreadlocks I’m growing or the armpits I haven’t had a chance to shave in two months (thank god for winter).
Then something great happened, my girlfriend called me up crying.. She had a huge fight with her fella and was devastated. I know I’m selfish and mean to think this was great, but after talking to her I hung up and thought, “that’s not me anymore.” Don’t get me wrong, Billy and I have bigger and meaner fights than the best of them but I just don’t care so much anymore.
I’m preoccupied with the bigger picture at the moment. This high might not last long but for now it makes everything else seem miniscule. As long as she has rosie cheeks and a dry bum, I’m ok. And yes I still have my days where I’m tempted to put her on ebay or at least leave her at granny’s permanently (who’s waiting happily with adoption papers ready to be signed). But every time I look at her round little head I know that I love her a little bit more then yesterday and a little bit less then tomorrow. Even if that does mean poo in the pubes (Ralph magazine would suggest it’s my fault for sporting the sinful pubic hair in the first place).
When this little baby cries I will come running, and you can all hear the echoes of my boobs against my tummy. xx
March 24, 2010 by adavenport
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That was hilarious! Haha. What a great start to the day.
Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!
Thumbs up, and keep it going!
Cheers
Christian,
Very entertaining.. what a laugh.. really enjoyed it!!!
Thanks for the good information you’re putting on the site – it’s been really helpful for me… keep up the great work.
thanks! This is hilarious! Your site is very useful for me.
I totally can relate to author when she said fights she has with boyfriend don’t affect her as much as before. Is this because child has given different meaning to life or because child is now more important than boyfriend? Just wondering because it is a qustion I often ask myself, but could never let my partner know because my honest answer could really hurt his feelings!
as per ususal i think connie is definately an author in the making we desperately need to share the world through other peoples lives because motherhood can be a struggle and its good to know we are not alone what brilliance you are gifted
hahahah. reminds me a bit of kathy lette. would love to read more like this. i can see an author in the making.
That was funny as, very descriptive which gave me scarey visions!! Clearly i am not ready to be a mother at all.
Classic! I was laughing so much I had tears in my eyes so had to take a break so I could see! What a refreshingly honest, raw and real account of how unglamorous life at home can really be! From all of us with boobs that slap – thank you!
My wife has recently had a baby also and referred me onto this blog, great work Constance hope to read more of it in the coming months. Des
OMG! We’re living the same life! Wouldn’t have it any other way!
Still laughing, great writing about the realities of being a mum, loved it:)
A great read, put a smile on my face and had a giggle. Brightened my day, Thank you.
Brilliant Blog Constance! Very funny, enetertaining and REAL! Keep them coming….
AWESOME blog, thanks for being honest and putting a smile on my face. I’m not sure when/if I’ll be having kids but for now I’ll live by your blogs and prepare myslef for motherhood.(
Can’t wait to read more Con!
Still laughing as I type this…very insightful and refreshing to hear honest stories about the joy of motherhood.
This is brilliant! It’s refreshing to read honest stories about motherhood and the changes it brings to your life – can’t wait to read more!
LOL!!! I’m loving this blog…whilst reading I was thinking “thank god I don’t have kids” but by the end of it I felt like “I’m missing out on something”.
Keep them coming.
Love your work!
I’m not even a mother but I’m grateful to hear real stories about motherhood that are also entertaining…I’ll be more prepared for it now thanks to you!
Where can I read more???
Very entertaining.. but oh how true… Thank you very much that piece has put a great big smile on my face… and will for the next 24hrs.. Will be returning to hopefully see more of your fantastic Blogs…
Once again Con you always hit the nail on the head. For all of us who already know these little facts of life, thankyou for making them told loud and proud and for all of those who haven’t experienced these things, thankyou again for pointing out the real facts in life.
Absolutely love it!
Awesome peice!!All us young mothers out their can relate and great to know where not alone!So entertaining!Love your work!
well done Con! An awesome piece of non-fiction writing x x